Unrequited
by SignaltheStars
Summary: After The Last Jedi. Damerey-Reylo fic. (I will write a summary later as it is difficult to write a summary without spoilers from The Last Jedi and I don't want to spoil this for anyone who has not seen TLJ). WARNING: THERE WILL BE SPOILERS FROM THE LAST JEDI IN THIS FIC!
1. Chapter 1

Kylo Ren

I told Luke I would destroy her. I made it a promise.

But I can't.

I knew she had feelings for me. The way she stared up at me from that pod when she so stupidly decided to turn herself in to the First Order. I was angry she did it. I wanted to scream at her. My only choice was to take her to Snoke. Too many witnesses, and Snoke would've sensed her. And I knew what he would do to her would break me. And it did.

She had at least begun to understand me. But any ground I had covered with Rey during those moments we spent in each others' minds from across the galaxy was lost.

The way she gazed at me one last time before closing the ramp to the Falcon wasn't as before. Before, her stare burned into me. The monster. I am a monster. She truly hated me. Wanted to kill me. Maybe I deserved it, though I never thought I did. I had my reasons for doing what I did.

Seeing her on that ramp, her gaze was one of disappointment. Maybe even a touch of betrayal and anger, and she pitied me. Maybe she still cared, maybe she didn't. She thought she could bring me back from the Darkness, from the one thing I truly wanted. Power. She was wrong. I had worked so hard to get what I wanted. The power was mine. I was now Supreme Leader, one that was to be feared unlike the decrepit heap of flesh that laid rotting in the wrecked throne room as the Supremacy burned. When I saw that he was dead, all I could see was what I deserved to have and took my rightful place as ruler of the First Order, and soon it would be the entire galaxy as well with no one to stand in my way. I had everything I ever wanted.

Except her.

I should've been able to convince her. After all I had learned about her, her horrible past, all the people who had abandoned her in her life or pushed her aside like common garbage, I thought it would be easy to persuade her, to give her the power she deserves. But instead, I lost her. She meant so much to me, but all I did was drive her away, **told** her she was nothing. I hurt her.

I couldn't find my words as I knelt there, only stare. I hoped she could see that I wasn't that monster anymore. The Darkness in me...I couldn't control it. But, she didn't see it like that. Instead, she closed the ramp to the Falcon and did something else. She blocked me out of her mind. I could feel it as my father's lucky dice disappeared from my hand. I wanted to scream as my heart shattered and I could feel the Darkness pull me deeper. I knelt there for a moment and allowed myself to cave into the pain. It took every last bit of my willpower to get up so Hux or the stormtroopers didn't see me sit there and crumble.

She had done something to me when we had those visions of each other. What that was I wasn't entirely sure. But, she saw me. Even if it was just for that brief instance in the hut, when we had reassured each other that we weren't alone because we had each other and she reached her hand out to me, and I reached out to her and, for the first time, we were skin-to-skin and we were beginning to understand each other. And I had seen more than I had told her. It wasn't just her parents I saw, and I didn't tell her everything when I told her she would turn and stand with me. Her turning to the Dark Side to rule with me was what I wanted.

No, I had seen something else. I wasn't ready to believe it, or tell her the truth.

* * *

Rey

I almost thought I could forgive him for what he had done. Almost.

I don't know what we had together, Ben and I. I don't know why I had cared so much. Maybe I still cared. I think in that moment I saw him kneeling before me I felt as conflicted as he felt constantly.

When I saw him there, I didn't see that monster. Those eyes were sad, full of guilt. Ashamed. Pleading with me. Say something, anything, they said. Even if it wasn't something he liked. I wanted to yell at him, berate him and tell him what he truly was in a way that hurt him the most, just like he had told me I was nothing to everyone else except him. Was I really, Ben? Did I really mean something to you, or was it my power?

Stay out of my head. That's what I was screaming in my mind. I didn't know how this connection worked, but I wanted him to hear that. I had hoped at the very least, when Snoke died, the connection he said he created would die. But, there he was.

He appeared to me as if he were kneeling at the end of the ramp in the Crait salt, begging, pleading for me to let him back in. It startled me at first. I thought he was really there until I recognized that familiar pulse of heat through my body, spreading out to my arms and fingers, prickling my skin and raising the tiny hairs on my arms, and I knew immediately it was the connection. My heart thundered in my ears as the connection grew stronger. I felt as if I wasn't standing on top of the ramp of the Falcon, but I was right there with him, wherever he was, and if I wanted to, I could go to him, offer my hand and we could connect with each other, understand each other. But I didn't want to. I couldn't let him back in.

I opened my mouth to scream at him, but shut it immediately. What was there to say? He knew. He knew he hurt me. He hurt everyone who loved him. I thought he could change. But I was wrong. Yet, in a way, I couldn't let go. I stared at him one last time, and he silently stared back. Each moment I lingered, my anger rose inside of me as I thought about those final moments we had together in the throne room. I couldn't do this now. There was a heaviness behind my eyes and I knew I had to do something so I wouldn't have to explain my tears to Finn, Poe, and Leia. They couldn't know about the bond. Not yet.

I pushed the panel to close the ramp and I made sure to do so with an exaggerated force so he knew I was hurting, just like he was. I tore at the bond with my mind. I wanted to make sure he couldn't get back in. Maybe it worked, maybe it didn't. I had noticed the last couple times we spoke through our connection that we were starting to be able to control the bond. Maybe I could block him until I was ready to speak to him again, if that day ever came. I held his stare until the ramp blocked him from view, then with a flash, he was gone.

There was a strange sensation that lingered there for just a moment before the hum of the Falcon's engines came to life and the chatter of what was left of the Resistance as they got settled in.

Later, after I spoke with Leia for a moment, I retired to a private quarters for some rest. I needed to think ahead, to the future. One that was possibly without Ben.

I laid on the cot for a while, staring at the ceiling. My mind was still chaotic and I was desperate to clear it. There was something else as well. I winced as a strange sensation ran its claws down the block in my mind. It prickled, but it was gentle, as if something was trying to pierce the shield I had up. I pushed back, willing whatever strength I had to keep it out. I had been focusing on it so hard I didn't hear the door open.

"You okay?"

I expected it to be Finn, but Finn was out there tending to Rose. I had to smile when I saw them, and I briefly thought about Ben.

Instead, Poe stood over me, the bright lights of the corridor shone like a halo onto his dark hair.

All at once, the strange claws stopped, and I finally met Poe's gaze, "yeah. I'm fine." I gave him a small smile.

Poe smiled back. We stared at each other for a moment. I didn't know what to say. Poe and I had just met. I had seen him on the Resistance base on D'Qar, but today had been the first time we had spoken.

Poe moved to sit at the edge of the cot and I sat up to meet his gaze, those eyes, that smile. I felt like I knew this person, but I also felt like I had known Ben, too. Look how that turned out.

Poe stared at me for a moment, studied me. There was a slight nervousness about him. Those times I saw him around the Resistance base, he had the confidence of a leader who had a quip or two right there lingering on his tongue, ready to use at a moment's notice. Now, it was like he didn't know exactly what to say. "Umm, look. I know you've been through a lot. Finn and BB-8 told me everything. I know..." he paused for a moment, as if a painful memory passed behind those eyes, "I know what he can do to people. He made me hurt, too, and that's something I would never wish on anybody." I knew who Poe was talking about. Ben. But, Poe, most likely, only knew him as Kylo Ren. I knew Poe was close with Leia, but I wondered if he had ever known Ben before Ben wasn't Ben anymore.

I swallowed, "if I ever need anything, I'll be sure to ask. But, I'm fine."

He gave me a quick smile before standing up. The bed shifted and I silently wished he would stay, but at the same time, I needed to be alone. I gazed down at where he had sat.

Poe was about to leave before he turned back to me, "Rey," I looked up at him, craving, needing someone to fill the void in my heart. He hesitated for a moment, his lips trembling, trying to find the right words. "Don't let anyone tell you that you're not strong, or that you don't matter because of where you came from. Because there are a lot of people here that find you remarkable, magical powers or no. You're something to all of us. I wanted you to know that."

All I could do is stare at him, my heart fluttering. No words. He gave me one last smile before he turned to leave, shuttling the door behind him and leaving me alone with my thoughts.

 _"_ _You come from nothing. You're nothing."_

I believed those words. Because for a long time, they were true. I was nobody. Ben made sure my past hurt me all over again. And it was true. I, for the longest time, was a discarded piece of garbage no one cared about. I was nothing to everyone.

 _"_ _But not to me."_

I brushed away a single tear, but it wasn't from sadness. It was happiness, not because of Ben, but because of Poe, and I smiled knowing I, for the first time in my life, had a family.

Those claws caressed my mind again. Ben? Or something else? I didn't want to think of what else lurked in the galaxy, wanting to kill me.

I shot one thought down the bond, or at least I assumed I did.

 _'_ _You were wrong. I am loved and cared about. If you can't see that, if you have to bring me down to make yourself feel better, then I only have one thing to say to you.'_

The claws paused at the top of my mind, almost trembling. I took a deep breath before I continued the thought. I hoped he heard it. And I hoped it hurt.

 _'_ _Goodbye, Ben.'_

The claws released.

 **Author's Note: Hello all! Hope everyone got to see The Last Jedi! I was on the fence as to whether I was going to write a post-TLJ fic since I haven't even finished my post-TFA Reylo fic. But, after viewing the film a second time, I just had to get this first chapter out. I am going to develop this further before I continue, maybe even see the film again, but I also will be focusing on finishing my post-TFA fic, Whispers from the Other Side, so it may be a while before I get that next chapter. Right now, I'm rating this as a T, but I'm not sure if I'll do what I did for Whispers and make it a Mature rating, we shall see. Thanks for reading and I look forward to fangirling with everyone for the next two years!**


	2. Chapter 2

Two years later...

Rey

"MOVE! WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE NOW!" Poe screamed through the commlink, soft static crackling in my ear as I sprinted through the dense greenery, lightsaber drawn and swinging at any trees and bushes in my way.

Finn and Rose crashed through the forest behind me, along with our small band of fellow Resistance fighters, new recruits and old. "WE'RE RUNNING AS FAST AS WE CAN, POE!" Finn shouted breathlessly into his comm. He grunted as he stumbled over something.

"Careful Finn!" Rose shouted. I could sense her changing course to get closer to Finn. I wondered how she kept up. I didn't want her to come in the first place, but Finn insisted allowing her and Poe agreed. Fine, as long as she stays out of my way. There were a few times I had to snap at her for trying to interfere with things aboard the Falcon I was fixing or give me pointers on how to do simple mechanical tasks. After a few encounters, she stayed out of my way, especially after seeing me wield a lightsaber.

Poe's voice echoed through the comm, "I thought stormtroopers were in better shape than this. And weren't you one of the top stormtroopers!? Phasma would be disappointed!"

"Shut up!" Finn shouted back, panting. He pumped his legs harder.

I had to smile. Poe, even in the face of danger, cracking jokes. "We're almost there, Poe!" I knew he smiled back when he heard my voice. He always did.

Something whistled passed my ear. Oh no. They were catching up. We had been hiding out on this planet for three days before we encountered the indigenous people here. Wild -eyed humans that looked more like savage animals. Filthy, dirty, so uncivilized, complete with gnashing teeth. The lowest of humans, and that's coming from someone who grew up on Jakku.

We had come to find more recruits to join the Resistance. The First Order was slowly taking over the galaxy. It was either join the First Order or be destroyed and our window was becoming smaller and smaller. Our forces were slowly growing, but not fast enough and this planet-I'm not sure of the name or if it even had a name-was definitely not the place to find it.

I sensed another object fly towards my head and I had to dodge it. The object stuck in a nearby tree. I had time, as I ran pass, to get a good look at the wooden poisoned dart, complete with red and black designs. It was something no one would want to be stuck with. I had watched one of our newer recruits, a young boy about sixteen, scream in agony, not only from the pain, but something else. I peered into his mind for a moment to see the horrors he saw. The forest was burning and he was trapped, with a snarling monster closing in on him. But it wasn't the poison that killed him. The poison was meant to incapacitate the victim long enough for these savages to kill them.

And eat them.

Beads of sweat slipped into my mouth, spreading the salty tang over my tongue. I moved faster and faster, arms pumping and lungs burning as I crashed through more greenery, some with sweet-smelling red and orange flowers I was careful not to get too close to, remembering the last time I sniffed flowers on another world and had to spend a week in the infirmary. I wanted to stop to catch my breath as I leapt into the clearing, but the sight of the Falcon had me moving even faster.

I heard shouts and screams behind me, but I didn't stop. "Rey!" Finn bellowed from behind. I turned to see Finn and Rose stagger into the clearing, but they both were slowing down.

I had reached the Falcon, but didn't ascend the ramp, "Rey, come on!" Poe shouted at me through the comm. I turned to Finn and Rose. They were walking towards the Falcon instead of running, Finn leaning on tiny Rose for support. What were they doing? I strained my eyes, trying to make out what was going on. Several of the other Resistance fighters sprinted passed them. No one stopped. I began walking toward them. "Rey, let's go!" Poe shouted again.

I ignored him.

Against my better judgement. I sprinted to Finn and Rose. "REY! STOP!" Poe screamed. I turned the comm off just before the screaming started.

My heart stopped for a minute. I hesitated in my pursuit, stumbling a bit as I slowed my pace and stared at the pair. Finn curled into a ball and collapsed to the ground. "No! No! No!" He screamed, clenching his fists to the sides of his head, "No!"

"Finn, what is it?" Rose asked in a panicked voice. I rolled my eyes. Had she not been paying attention after all we saw these past few days? I rushed forward and reached behind Finn. The dart was lodged in his spine, right where his lightsaber scar was. He screamed and thrashed, yelling nonsensical words at nothing in particular.

Two more soldiers ran up from behind. Before they got a chance to sprint by, I screamed orders at them, "HOLD HIM!" The two obeyed immediately and, after a few tries, caught Finn's flailing arms. The two struggled to keep Finn still, grunting and hollering as Finn fought them. I tried to move in to swipe the dart from his back, but Finn bucked too wildly. So wildly in fact that he reared his head up into the jaw of one of the men holding him. The man let go, grasping his jaw, fresh blood gushing from his mouth.

Finn swirled around. The remaining soldier had a firm grasp on Finn's wrist. Finn jerked harder and harder, trying to escape back towards the forest. To the danger.

Rose just stood there and cried like a confused child. I rushed forward to grab Finn, jumping on his back and reaching for his wrist, but was immediately thrashed violently off of him and thrown to the ground. The air rushed out of my lungs, pain spreading over my back.

I turned to Rose, who still stood there crying, and pointed a finger at her, angrily so she knew how frustrated I was. "ROSE! GRAB HIM!"

She nodded, pitifully whimpering as she grabbed at Finn's arm. "Finn, stop!" She shouted. She barely had a handle on him. Finn roared and maneuvered beneath Rose and the soldier. What was he seeing? I wondered.

I considered him for a moment before I finally found my opportunity to swipe my hand at his temple.

With one last whimper, Finn immediately went limp. Rose and the soldier held him up by his arms, Finn's head dangling in between. His dark skin shimmered with sweat. At least now he was calm. I reached over and yanked the dart out. I could see a light green oil-like sheen at the end of the dart. What was this stuff? I pocketed the dart, careful of the pointed end, and turned to Rose and the soldier. The second soldier, the one who got hurt, moved to be by their side, still wiping up blood and saliva. There was a pounding of footfalls from behind. I turned to the forest. I knew what was coming when the battle cries echoed through the clearing." We have to move!"

We sprinted towards the Falcon, our hearts pounding in our ears. I could sense the fear in all three of my companions, Rose especially. She became annoying at times, yes, but she usually wasn't one to act so lost or break down and cry when things got tough. In fact, she saved Finn from sacrificing himself to take out the First Order Battering Ram. I just hoped this was a one-time occurrence and not something I'm going to have to put up with for however long we have in all of this.

I doubled over when I reached the ramp, heaving. Sweat dripped from my brow like raindrops onto the ramp. I watched as the drops merged together into larger drops and trailed down the crevices in the ramp, washing away any dirt, and disappeared into the earth at the end of the ramp, staining it dark.

Footsteps crashed at the top of the ramp, "REY! WE NEED TO GO!" I looked up to see Poe skidding to a halt above me. He held onto then door to keep from tumbling down the ramp. His eyes bulged out of his skull. He wasn't looking at me, he was looking passed me.

I turned and my breath hitched. The savages, dirty bodies painted with white and green swirls, eyes wild and teeth gnashing, we're breaking through the greenery and into the clearing. They screeched their battle cries as they pursued, tearing through the vegetation without stumbling, their vacant eyes all focused on their prey.

The two soldiers were carrying Finn as fast as they could. Rose lingered just ahead, urging them forward. She finally had stopped crying, but still looked as pathetic. I noticed how she never took her eyes off Finn, even with the impending danger closing the distance. I knew there was something there two years ago when we left Crait and I saw how Finn cared for her, and my mind immediately drifted to...I wouldn't even think his name. Not after everything. I had enough to deal with.

The natives had almost caught up when I threw my hands out. I couldn't toppled the entire tribe, but I could do something else that required less energy. The energy flowed through my fingers, like a cool, tingling breeze, and looped around my targets, then I pulled back.

Finn, Rose, and the two soldiers flew through the air like four rag dolls. They didn't even have time to scream. All four crashed into the ground at the foot of the ramp. Footsteps crashed down the ramp as Poe and two other soldiers raced to help the four. Rose still whimpered. I grabbed her around the shoulders and pushed her up the ramp, Poe and the others following behind.

Poe slammed his fist into the control panel. The ramp closed, but not fast enough.

Two streaks of green, white, and dingy skin came crashing onto the ramp, hurling spears and roaring unintelligible words. They clung to the ramp. I was just about to push them off when.

A screaming pain sliced through my leg. My heart raced. I looked down to see a poisoned dart sticking out of my thigh. Trembling, I reached down to pull it out, but two sets of hands began tearing at my pants. I didn't have time to study the savage's faces before I blasted them with a push of energy, and they flew out the door as it closed shut.

The floor rushed toward me so quickly, I didn't have time to brace my fall. I hit the cold metal with a loud crash. My heart thundered in my ears, so loud almost all sound was blocked out, but I could feel the vibrations of the Falcon as it took off and ascended into space.

Then the pain started to take hold of my entire body. White hot jolts coursed through my body. I thrashed onto my back, every tiny movement feeling like a ticking time bomb could go off at any moment. I hissed and screamed at every jolt, eyes clenched tight. Each wave of pain brought more and more agony and fear.

"REY!" My named echoed in my ear. Rey. Is that my name? Rey? The world around me swam in a murky darkness. A blinding light overhead cut through.. "REY!" Poe. I could hear his footfalls as he neared. "GET A MED KIT, NOW!" Poe, where are you? I couldn't see beyond the edges of blackness.

Suddenly, the darkness swam and I saw a face at the edges of my unsteady vision.

His face was blurred at first, but I could make out the dark hair and eyes against pale skin. "REY!" Poe's voice rang in my ear. There were hands on my shoulders, my cheeks. The face leaned forward and I made out, clearly, that Ben was hovering over me.

I exploded into fits of screaming, "REY!" Ben screamed, but it was Poe's voice that echoed in my ear. The vision flashed and now it was Poe's face hovering over her. I gasped for air, but it was like my airways were made of Jakku sand, burning and dry. Poe looked up from me, "I NEED THAT MED KIT NOW!" Poe screamed.

I could sense someone else stumbling down the hall, "Sorry sir," the woman said, "what would you like, sir?"

The vision flashed again. Ben. I cried out in terror. He leaned forward, caressing my cheek quietly, his large brown eyes gazing down at me with worry, but also something else. Shame. Hurt. "Rey," he murmured before the vision bounced back to Poe, consulting with the woman.

"Yeah, give me that." He fumbled with something for a moment, "okay, Rey, this is going to sting a little." He used his mouth to take the cap off a needle, tapped it a little, and plunged it into my thigh. There was a slight pinch, then warmth spread through my thigh and up my torso.

It was like I was floating on clouds, or what I thought floating on clouds would feel like. My eyes grew heavy and I began to drift off, my racing thoughts slowing.

As the world around me dimmed, Poe placed a hand on my cheek and gazed down at me, "you're okay, Rey. Just rest."

Just before the last bit of consciousness faded from me, a different face appeared, "Ben," I whispered weakly before I was swallowed whole by the dark.

* * *

Kylo Ren

"Supreme Leader?"

Numb. I was so numb. My lips trembled. Don't go. I've lost too much already, please don't go.

"Supreme Leader?"

The agony that coursed through her veins, I could feel it. The excruciating terror. What happened?

"Supreme Leader, are you listening to me?"

I looked up from where she had appeared at the foot of my throne. Hux face twisted in his usual rat-faced scowl at me. He stood firmly at attention at the base of the dais. I scowled back at his pathetic attempt at intimidation. "What did you say to me?" I said slowly and carefully, each syllable laced with a threat. Say the wrong words and, this time, I won't release my Force choke.

Hux sighed, rolling his eyes. "We have conquered the Galathenis System. Our next system will be the Thanesian System, but we may have issues with this one. Many of the planets are Resistance loyalists and I believe the Resistance has many secret bases located on at least three worlds. What do you propose we do, Supreme Leader?"

I didn't answer immediately. Instead, I gazed back down at the foot of my throne. Please appear. Please let me know you're alright. She was screaming. I couldn't tell if it was in pain, or if it was at the sight of me. Maybe both. Appear. Appear. Appear. "Rey," I whispered her name before I found stop myself, sweat bearing on my brow.

"Pardon, Supreme Leader?" Damn. Hux heard.

My head shot up. He glared at me with both amusement and annoyance. I swallowed. I had seen Rey through the connection a few times in Hux's presence, but thy had been fleeting glances. A flash of wide eyes. A startled glance over her shoulder. I was immediately blocked out every time, but I would study her in my memories, the bright hopefulness of those eyes and the way her hair cascaded down her shoulder, so soft. I was able to keep myself composed when I had these quick connections in anyone's presence and, to my knowledge, Hux didn't suspect anything. This time, it was different.

"Do what is needed," I said quickly and evenly, "but the bounty on the girl's capture still stands, and I want her alive and brought to me immediately." I reminded Hux every single time the bounty on Rey came up, or when I brought it up when the opportunity arose. Rey was not to be killed or harmed in any sort of way upon her capture as I would not only kill whomever harmed or killed her in the cruelest way possible, but also any others in the chain of command. All the way up to Hux. And Hux would suffer dearly for his incompetence.

Hux just stared long and hard at me. The muscle in his pasty white jaw feathered. Cold blue eyes narrowed. Lips pursed. But he didn't say anything. Only nodded and turned sharply on his heels and left me. Alone.

I leaned on the arm of the throne and rubbed my hand over my face. Appear. Appear. Please. I needed to know she was okay. My heart ached. My thoughts raced so fast, my head throbbed. I clenched my fists right and tight and pressed them against my temples.

The Darkness, it pulled me deeper and deeper as the fragments of my heart, what was left of my heart, shattered even more with each passing day I was without her. Not knowing if she was okay. I assumed I would've felt it if...if something were to happen.

The torment became unbearable. I had tried to crack through her block every day in hopes she was ready to talk, and I promised I wouldn't push it, though it killed me. This time was different. Maybe this time, I could get through.

I locked all doors to the throne room before I began, all entrances clicking with a wave of my hand as the locks activated. Gripping the arms of the throne, I sat up straight and closed my eyes and focused with deep breaths on that string that tied Rey and I together light years apart.

I wrapped myself around that connection, pulling myself down the taut bond. A ripple went through every nerve in my body as I continued to pull. I expected to hit a wall at some point and find myself back in my throne room.

Instead, my ears were filled with the whirring of machines and my nose burned with sharp anesthetic.

The room was dim, only illuminated by a soft light. Several machines glows with vital read outs. Medicine syringes littered a counter on the other side of a cot where Rey laid.

My breathing seized. She was too pale. Her lips, normally a light rosy pink, were now colorless. If it weren't for the various machines showing her vitals, her strong heartbeat, I would've thought she were dead.

I rested my elbows on the mattress, careful not to disturb her. Could I disturb her? I was still unsure how the bond worked, only that I was seeing her surroundings now. What else could we do besides touch each other from across the galaxy?

I didn't want to push the limits, not now anyway. I studied her face as if that time would be the last time I saw it. Not much had changed in her other than her features were slightly more matured and sharper. I reached out with a gloved hand and hovered over her cheek. I nervously watched her for a moment before I closed the distance between.

I wanted to feel her skin on mine, but I kept the layer of leather between us. I didn't know if she would wake if we had skin contact, but I craved it. The last thing I wanted was for her to wake up in a panic and for whomever she was with to shoot her up with more drugs.

I studied her for a moment, all those moments together, so long ago, rushing back to me. I wanted it all back, but the power. The power was still mine. But she wasn't. Not yet. I still didn't know how I could have both. I gazed down at her. "I wish you'd come back to me. There has to be a way," I whispered. The heaviness of tears filled my eyes. I swallowed them back as the first drop spilled over and streaked down my cheek. My lips trembled and I took a deep breath and leaned forward. I paused, my lips over her forehead. I shouldn't do this, I thought. I shouldn't touch her, but I also didn't want to stop. I leaned closer, hovering so close my unsteady breath blasted me back in the face. I closed my eyes and lowered my lips to her forehead until...

Someone crashed into the room. I jumped back, my heart throbbing. "Sir, her vitals are stable. She'll make a full recovery within the next few days, once the poison is out of her system." A female voice called from behind the man. Poison. My stomach twisted at the thought. What kind of poison had it been? Some didn't have any lasting consequences if treated immediately, others could give the victim a punishment worse than death.

I glanced up at the man as the door slid shut and he turned and stepped into the light. The Resistance pilot. Poe Dameron. My eyes narrowed. I remembered cracking into his mind and getting the information I needed to find the map to Skywalker. The way he resisted and threw his sarcasm and insults in my face as if I were just some random Stormtrooper. Fool. If it weren't for FN-2187, Poe Dameron would've died.

Dameron sat opposite of me, unaware of my presence. At least no one could see me. Luke had been the only person to see me through the bond, but once Rey pulled her hand away, it all disappeared. I had my speculations about how another outside the bond could see us both when we were many stars away, but I wasn't sure and I was careful not to do anything to make myself known to Dameron.

The Resistance pilot leaned on the mattress, as I had, and stared down at Rey. There was something in his eyes as he stared at her, a fondness for her, similar to how FN-2187 showed a fondness for her, but deeper. His eyes roamed her face, flicking between her lips and her eyes. He swallowed, opening and closing his mouth as he studied her. "I thought I was going to lose you." He shook his head, "I can't make promises that you'll never be in danger again, but I'll do everything in my power to protect you when you need it. You're pretty damn tough. I'm just beyond relieved that you'll be okay."

Dameron raised from his seat. I assumed he was ready to leave. Instead, with one quick movement, he leaned over Rey, closed his eyes, and pressed his lips to Rey's forehead.

My kiss.

My breath hitched, first with surprise, then jealousy, then rage. I wanted to lash out at Dameron, but before I could shoot from my chair for an attack that probably would've been a waste of effort through the bond, the room around me vanished and I was back in my throne room.

I gazed around the room. He kissed her. Poe Dameron. He had stolen the kiss I was supposed to give her. I clenched the sides of my head with my fists. I was imagining it, reading too far into it. They were just friends. Yes, just friends. He didn't confess he loved her. It was all in my head, but I couldn't help thinking that there was something between them.

And what did I care? She had blocked me out for...what was it now...two years? It tore me apart to care so much about her and not feel cared for in return, to offer her the galaxy and her rejecting an opportunity many would kill for. I should hate her for what she did. She chose her path and was an enemy of the First Order, my enemy. I should want to kill her. Instead I...I don't know what kept me wanting her to come back.

I took a deep breath. I needed to see her, even if it was just through the bond. I wanted to talk to her just once. I couldn't go on thinking that it wasn't over between us. It wasn't over for me, but if it was indeed over for her, I had to know for sure. She was one of the last things keeping me tied to the Light. Just the thought of what I would have to do if she rejected me...

Letting her go was one thing. Watching her die...I only hoped it wouldn't be by my own hand.

 **A/N: Hello all! I hope everyone had a good holiday (whatever you celebrate). Since I was asked, no, I do not think Poe and Rey are endgame. I think that it could create some good angsty conflict between Rey and Ben if Poe came into the picture. I think Rey and Ben will have a lot to work through before they get together. Hope you enjoyed reading so far! I'm going to try for a chapter a week. There may be delays with the holidays. I also will be working on my other, post-TFA fic, Whispers, as well, but I'm currently stuck in writer's block on that one. Have a good day!**

 **PS: Rey's lightsaber will be addressed in the next chapter. This is not the Skywalker lightsaber. I have something planned for that. The scene was too fast paced to have her explain what was going on with that.**


	3. Chapter 3

Rey

I dreamt of Ben.

I didn't want to see him, even in sleep, but I was imprisoned in my dreams with no place to go and no matter how much I pushed and pulled and screamed at the restraints keeping me unconscious, Ben lingered there, quietly watching me with those sad, glassy eyes.

I was relieved when, finally, the humming of the Falcon rushing through space greeted my ears, along with the beeps and whirs of various machines. I blinked away the sleep blurring my vision and wiped away the remaining crust from my tear ducts. My muscles were so fatigued and heavy that it felt like I was lifting a heavy piece of junk metal back on Jakku. I groaned as I tried moving my body. Joints popped too loudly and I winced as every nerve jolted throughout my body when I turned my head from side to side and sharp pains seized my muscles.

The heart monitor beeped faster and faster with each surge of pain. I patted down my body and found various tubes and wires dangling out. I pulled at one and felt my skin in my forearm go taut. I struggled to glanced down and saw that the tube disappeared under my skin. I needed to get free. I needed to get out of this. My breathing went ragged and quick. "Help," I screamed, or tried to scream. It came out barely more than a hoarse squeak. I tried to swallow down the mucus in my throat, "Help!"

A door slid open. I stilled and shut my eyes tight as light spilled into my dark room, hissing at the pain. A shadow moved, blocking out most of the light, and then I heard the door slide shut. I exhaled in relief and opened my eyes. I tensed as my visitor moved closer. I was relieved when it was Poe who moved into the dim light.

"Hey, you're up." He smiled. I tried to smile back, but the effort was too much. He sank to a chair by my bed. I tried to raise up, but Poe put his hand on my shoulder to ease me back down, "hey, take it easy." He said gently.

I lowered myself back down with a sigh and stared at the ceiling. "How long was I out?" I said hoarsely. My throat didn't hurt like it had when I first was poisoned, but the scratchiness lingered.

"Three days," Poe said, "Water?" I nodded and Poe filled a cup with water and helped me prop myself up with some pillows. I took tiny sips of the lukewarm liquid, the moisture seeping into cracks at the back of my throat was welcome. "You were pretty out of it," Poe said as he settled back in the chair, "you screamed your head off when you saw me. I guess I'm pretty damn terrifying, huh?" Poe shot me a smile and winked. I couldn't help but laugh with him.

I swallowed my laughter when the thought of that day on that planet crossed my mind, "how's Finn?" I asked. I remembered the screams. The fear in Finn's eyes.

"Oh, Finn is doing fine. In fact, he's been up and around since yesterday. He didn't get nearly as much poison in his system as you did." I was confused, and Poe saw it, "you took two darts. There was another in your leg you didn't pull out," he elaborated. I hadn't felt the second dart, I guessed it was from the pain I already had from the dart I had pulled out.

"What's on those darts?" That pain. Just thinking about that pain made me relive it all again.

"It's from a flower called Viper's Blood. Grown on several worlds. It has been sold in the past on the black market. It's pretty effective if you need to get rid of someone." Poe pulled three darts from a nearby table, holding them by the pointed ends.

I raised up in alarm,, "Careful, Poe! Don't get that on you!"

He gave me a quick smile "Actually," He said, looking at the darts, "with the poison being in its purest state, straight from the flower, it loses its poisonous properties after a day or so. It's when it gets manufactured in the black market is when it gets dangerous. They have ways to make it long lasting, or even deadly, and sometimes, they mix it with other chemicals to make sure it gets the job done. Doesn't work on ever species the same way."

It was more information than I wanted to hear, but I nodded anyway and didn't care if I heard any mention of Viper's Blood again. I listened to the rush of hyperspace as the Falcon rocketed through the void, "Where are we going?"

"The rendezvous point. In the outer reaches of the Thanesian System. We're meeting the rest of the fleet there and Leia is going to transfer to the Holdo for a mission to a couple outer rim planets for more supplies and ships, possibly recruits." Poe had told me about what Amilyn Holdo did. I couldn't imagine the thoughts going through her head. What it was like to watch the stars begin to streak by, then nothing. I only hoped it was painless.

Leia had insisted a ship be named after Holdo. The cruiser, Leia said, was much like the CR90 Corvettes used by the Rebellion during the Galactic Civil War, and the Holdo was designed with that in mind, but sleeker, more efficient, and faster. I had seen one in Jakku when I was a scavenger. From what I could make out from the twisted debris, it was a long ship with two dual and four single turrets and a hammerhead-like cockpit.

I felt uneasy at the thought of the rendezvous point, and perhaps sensing something, "Any word on First Order activity?" But, there was another question that lingered on my tongue. Poe still didn't know. None of them knew. About Ben and I. Even though I fully blocked Ben out, I still couldn't tell them. They'd never trust me. I had a feeling that Leia sensed it, but she kept quiet as well. Maybe it was because she knew the dangers. Or, perhaps it was because I was currently her only link to her son. She did, however, sneak me this look a time or two, as if Ben could appear at any moment right beside me.

Poe shook his head, "they're nearby, so we have to be vigilant. Word is they just took the Galathenis System. Haven't heard anything since." Poe dropped his gaze, pressing his lips together. I knew that look and I knew what kind of questions would come, "Rey, before you passed out, you said his name. His real name."

I knew who Poe meant. We had an unspoken agreement not to say the names 'Ben Solo' or 'Kylo Ren' unless it was for official matters, briefings, that sort of thing. But, for personal conversations, Ben is only referred to as 'he., his, or him'

"That poison" Poe continued, "is a hallucinogen. It preys on your deepest fears. I didn't want to say anything, but I've heard you wake up at night, screaming his name, always his real name," he leaned in closer, "Now, I don't know the Force, but I know he's powerful. There are times I still feel him lingering in my head when he interrogated me and I wonder what kind of hold he has once he penetrates a mind. Rey," I turned, making eye contact. He suspected something. I knew he did. "Did he torture you when you went to the Supremacy?"

I sighed, relieved that not only did I not have to confess that my nightmares were of Ben, but also that I had an actual truth I could tell Poe, "He didn't torture me, but Snoke did. It was...it was..." I trailed off. I still felt the pain, excruciating, relentless pain. I trembled at the thought of it, as if Snoke was standing there right now, sending shockwaves of pain coursing through me. My chest tightened and sweat beaded at my brow at the thought.

"Shh, you don't have to say more. I'm sorry," Poe said it a comforting tone. He rubbed my shoulders gently, soothingly, and took my hand in his. I allowed myself to meet back into the bed. "I shouldn't have brought it up. There are just...things that concern me. You know? We all need to have our heads in this and it's just...it's difficult when we've been through so many horrors. It stays with you, whether you want it to or not."

I nodded, "I know." I didn't mean to answer in such a sad, quiet tone, but I was thinking about Ben. Ben Solo, who had been through so many horrors throughout his life. Ben Solo, who had been promised greatness, only to be kept on a tight chain, like those strange animals owned by some of the scavengers on Jakku, the ones I might've worked for a time or two, the so-called "wealthy" of Jakku.

Poe smiled at me. His gaze lingered on me, studying me, and I stared back. There was a sadness in his eyes, as if a war raged deep down within him that I had never really known about or seen. It was silent in the room, except for the beeping medical equipment and the hum of the ship. His eyes flicked over me nervously. He'd inhale as if he was just about to speak, but would stop short, squeezing my hand gently with every failed attempt at speaking, caressing my hand with his thumb in gentle circles. He nervously inhaled, finally making unwavering eye contact, "Rey, I-"

"General," said Lieutenant Connix as the door slid open, "we are approaching the rendezvous point." She peeked her head in, her brown eyes scanning the room.

Poe looked back at her and nodded, "okay, I'll be there." Connix shot Poe a smile and nodded, then turned and left us alone.

"General Dameron...I still can't get used to that," I grinned at him. Leia had promoted Poe to General after Crait and he has taken on the role nicely these past two years.

"Me neither," he said. There was a distant look in his eyes and I knew he was thinking about the number of failed missions we had these last two years. The casualties. The still fleet.

"You're too hard on yourself," I quietly reassured him. It's true. He's too hard on himself. He had far more successes as General than failures. It's just been a slow process.

Poe shot me a smile and sighed, shifting in his seat, "I have to go," he said.

I shot him a smile, "I know." I remembered the day, when we were leaving Crait, when he made a point to walk up and introduce himself to me and upon hearing my name, he gave me an almost-giddy 'I know' in response.

Poe snorted. Perhaps he remembered that day, too. Perhaps not. He gave me a cheeky grin and leaned closer. My pulse raced in my throat at the thought of his close proximity, but he stopped short of closing the distance, "get some rest. I'll come back to see you as soon as I can."

"Okay," I nodded. I was getting tired again. Just talking to Poe took a lot out of me.

I smiled at Poe as he rose from his seat and squeezed my hand in his, "I promise when this is all over, you say what you want to do, where you want to go, and I'll do my best to get you there."

I smiled. "Okay." He promised so much, too much. But there was an unspoken truth between us. That we could both make all the promises in the world, but we both knew that, even with all we have done, there is a great chance that we would lose, but we still held onto that small shard of hope.

When Poe left me alone in that dim room with nothing but those thoughts, my thoughts immediately and defiantly drifted to the one person in the entire galaxy who could give us the future Poe promised. I closed my eyes, but I couldn't drift off to sleep. The name that passed my lips was one of someone who I never believed was gone, but instead oppressed by a tyrant. A demon.

A single tear clung to my eyelashes as I whispered his name.

"Ben."

Kylo Ren

 _Rey_.

I was careful not to say her name in Hux's presence, but I could not stop from wincing when I heard her voice, and Hux noticed.

"Supreme Leader, is there a problem?" Hux said. He stood at attention, but cocked his head. Those pale, calculating eyes studying every small twitch of muscles in my face, like he always did. Just waiting for a moment of weakness I had refused all these years to show, but there were things not even a mask could hide.

"No," I tried my best to keep a steady voice, to not give Hux a reason to suspect what was going on. I didn't fear him. I could snap his neck with a flick of my finger. Thing was he didn't fear me. Any threats were met with a increasingly malicious stare that I couldn't deny hid a cunning nature about Hux.

"We should be there within fifteen minutes time. Do we engage them, Supreme Leader?" There was a hint of disdain on his voice. He narrowed his eyes at me.

"Engage them if you must. But, I want that ship scanned and any findings reported to me. No one is to be executed until I give the order." I had to be careful. There were several times I had given the command to fire on ships, or had given Hux command over any engagements, and many of those times I feared something terrible had happened to Rey. Because of me.

Hux nodded and made his way along the bridge, barking orders. I turned on my heels and strode from the bridge. I had had enough of being in anyone's presence for that day.

The walk back to the throne room was long. I barely noticed anyone halt in attention as I passed by. I was too deep in thought. Not once, but twice in the span of a few days I had heard her voice call my name. And I had finally been able to break through her barrier. Was she finally seeing things my way? Needing me? I wondered what made her call out to me this time. I hoped she was okay. Please be okay.

I had just shut the door to my throne room. Locked it. I didn't want anyone entering while I reflected on everything, when one of the commanders sent a holo. "Sir, we have reached the Resistance rendezvous point." I didn't react to the sudden flutter in my heart. Surely, Rey was somewhere else. The Falcon wasn't large enough to accommodate too many injured people. She couldn't have been the only person injured on that ship.

"Report," I said flatly.

The commander swallowed hard, "Sir, there is are several, possibly six, light fighters. An enhanced CR-90 Corvette Cruiser, and docked to it...umm..." My heart skipped a beat. Don't say it. Please don't say it. I glared at the commander, and he swallowed nervously before he continued, "a Corellian YT-1300f light freighter."

I slammed my fist against metal. Against the hologram controls. The commander's holo flickered wildly. "Commander! Commander do not engage! Repeat, do not engage!" But instead, his voice was muffled and staticky, then the holo cut or entirely.

I pounded my finger anxiously against the controls. "No, no! Damn it!" I screamed.

I shot from my throne, stumbling wildly over my feet. _Rey_. My thoughts hit the shield. I pounded my fist against the control panel and awaited the turbo lift. _Rey! Please answer me!_

I pounded repeatedly at the controls, but the lift couldn't come fast enough. _REY!_ I screamed down the bond. _REY!_

 _Ben._

I let out a sigh of relief when I finally heard her voice. _Rey, where are you!?_ My heart hammered in my throat. I heard the buzz of the turbo lift slowing to a stop, "COME ON!" I screamed. Finally, the doors opened and I shot inside and hit the button to take me to the bridge. Still too slow. Everything was too slow.

 _Ben, what is it?_

The turbo lift began descending. _Rey, are you on the Falcon?_ I braced all my weight against the wall of the lift, awaiting her response.

 _Ben, what does that..._

 _Just answer the question!_ I didn't mean to scream at her down the bond. After all we weren't on the best terms with each other.

There was silence and the dread in me built and built until she whispered the answer I didn't want to hear. _Yes_.

The door to the turbo lift opened and I bolted down the corridor. Right. Straight. Left. Left. _You need to get out of there. We're about to intercept you._ My lungs burnt as I sprinted down the corridor. Right. Left. Right.

 _I can't get up! I'm still hooked up to these machines! There are tubes still in my arm! We shouldn't be long. Leia is transferring to the cruiser and..._

Mom. I slid to a halt in the corridor. My insides were frigid as I thought about what was about to happen and I felt as if I would vomit the meager contents of my stomach right there. No, no, no, no. My heart dropped. I thought I had lost her once, when my wingman had fired on the bridge of the cruiser. It took every ounce of willpower to keep moving, though I felt as if I would shatter if I even breathed. _Rey, you need to do something. Somehow,. You need to get out of there! Do not engage or else Hux will order for the fleet be fired upon. Please do this. I can't...I can't..._

Lose you, I wanted to say. The thought of what could happen passed through my mind. I wasn't going to lose her or my mother.

That's when the first of several shots from the Resistance shook the ship.

Rey

"POE! FINN! ANYONE!" I screamed as loudly as I could, yanking at the tubes in my arms without a care of what damage it would do to me. I needed to get to them if no one was going to come. "HELP!" I pulled and pulled, until the tube burst free from my skin. A trickle of blood trailed down my arm.

Blinding light poured into the room. I hissed and shielded my eyes as Finn charged in. He whipped his head around, trying to find what danger caused me to scream for help. "Rey! What is it!?" He moved towards me, placing his warm hands on my jaw. Every bit of me shook. The words, what I needed to tell him, were right there, but everything seized and all I could do was shake with fear. "Rey!" He said assessing my arm, now smeared with red, "what did you do?! You need to lay down!" He turned over his shoulder and screamed into the corridor, "SOMEONE GET IN HERE NOW!" He turned back to me, pressing me back into the bed, "Rey, you're going to be okay," he tried to keep his voice as steady as possible, but the fear still made him quiver. I began to protest, fight him. My friend. "You need to lay down. Someone will be here soon. They can give you som-"

I batted his hands off of me, "LISTEN TO ME!" I screamed in his face.

Finn's eyes went wide. Even I was shocked with my reaction. I could see the hurt in his eyes. "Rey, what is it?" He muttered.

I took a deep breath and, as steady as possible, told him what I desperately needed to have relayed to Poe, "you need to tell Poe the First Order is coming."

"We kno..." Finn paused and looked at me curiously, "how did you know?"

I didn't answer. He wouldn't have gotten an answer from me anyway, "we need to get the entire fleet out of here, now. Don't engage them!" I spoke as quickly as I could without any of my words becoming tangled, jumbled messes.

Finn searched my eyes for something, anything, that would give him answers to whatever questions he was asking himself. I assumed he found nothing. Without another word, he shot up and turned, glancing over his shoulder once more, then he darted out the door.

I waited until he was down the corridor and most likely thought that I was settling back onto the cot before I rose and finished pulling everything off of me. I had to hold onto anything I could as I made my way out of the room.

Kylo Ren

I barely skidded to a halt before I slammed into metal. The door to the bridge was sealed shut. I slammed my fist to the controls, but the door didn't open.

I swung again and again, screaming, even though he probably couldn't hear me, "HUX! OPEN THE DOOR!" The clang of metal echoed down the corridor with each strike at the door. A dull twinge of pain shot up the side of my arm with each hit. I gritted my bared teeth, my chest burning hotter with each passing moment. I was going to kill him. Someone. I didn't know who just yet. But someone was going to die if anything happened. My heart thundered in my chest, each palpitation thump-thumping harder against my rib cage, so hard I could've sworn bones cracked. Open. Open. OPEN!

The hissing of hydraulics stopped me dead and I sighed as the door slid open and I rushed in and stomped in, fists clenched and ready to strike the fiery-haired man pacing on the bridge, barking orders at different personnel.

"GENERAL HUX! ORDER THEM TO STAND DOWN!" I screamed, but Hux was focused on the scene beyond, "STAND DOW-"

My breath caught as the flares of cannons erupted from our ship. It was like everything stopped except those blasts of energy. I traced their path, right towards a stationary CR-90 Corvette Cruiser, as well as a YT-1300f light freighter preparing to jump to light speed.

 _Rey._

 _Mom._

 _Ben._ My mother's voice echoed in my head. The vice-like grip ripped on my heart. My soul. I couldn't let them die. Damn the consequences!

I closed my eyes and reached out towards the two beams of energy. Maybe I could stop it, like I had stopped a blaster bolt many times before, maybe I could-

A blinding flash erupted across the void.

It all shattered. I was shattered.

 **A/N: Hello! Hope you enjoyed! Sorry didn't get this out last week. Everything gets crazy with holidays and being off work (which I take time getting other things done). Plus, I've been working on my Ben Solo fic, Fallen Star, and need to work on my post-TFA fic, Whispers from the Other Side. I am still on Tumblr, but changed my Tumblr name to hopelesslyreylo. I will be getting an AO3 account and will also be posting on that site as well as soon as I get my invite. I'll try and get the next chapter out soon, but it will be hard for me to write. Have a good day!**

 **2/3/2018 note: I've been trying to get chapter 4 up, but I keep getting errors. Chapter four is up on AO3 (same username)**


	4. Chapter 4

Rey

It was like a part of my soul had been ripped from me. I stumbled, clenching my chest as I tried to figure out what happened, why there was now a black void ripping and tearing me inside out. She was there, shining bright, that fire from so long ago still burning in those eyes, but there had also been that motherly care I had longed for for too long.

Then, she was gone.

"We need to go back!" I heard Poe's panicked shouts as I limped down the corridor. I leaned against the wall for support, my hand dragging behind me over the ridges of cool metal as I made my way closer and closer to the common area.

"And, do what, exactly? Get blown up by the First Order?" It was Finn.

"She might still be alive! There's no time! We need to turn back! If anyone could survive that blast, it's her! Remember what she did when her son blew up the Raddus?" Poe was wild. He still thought it was Ben who blew the bridge on the Raddus. Even after Leia assured him that she sensed Ben had take his thumbs off the trigger and that it was, in fact, Ben's wingman who fired, Poe still didn't believe it. Or what he couldn't believe was that Ben Solo still lived and had broken through that terrible facade. Poe only saw Kylo Ren. Irredeemable. Vicious. Monster. Poe was right. Kylo Ren was still lingering in his mind after all that time.

I rounded the corner. Poe's arms flailed wildly. His hair was now a disheveled mess, some dark strands clinging to sweaty skin and his wide eyes were distraught. He kicked at something on the floor, sending the small object ricocheting off of the table and wall with a crash. Poe threw his finger out and pointed to someone standing near the entrance to the cockpit, "go back to the rendezvous point! That's an order," he growled, running his fingers through his hair wig his other hand. That wasn't Poe. Poe, I realized, had had part of himself ripped apart as well.

I limped forward, "Poe," I said gently. He turned towards me and he immediately relaxed. I opened my mouth to speak, to tell him that I felt it, but the way he studied my face, the way his face fell and a shadow overtook his grieving features, as if what he didn't want to believe had been written all over my face and he finally accepted the terrible reality.

That Leia was gone.

Poe approached me cautiously. Never had I seen him look so lost. I knew he was close to Leia. She was like a second mother to him, but I never thought he'd react in such a way. He searched my face as if he were trying to confirm once again what he wouldn't let himself believe. Is this what it's like, I thought, to lose someone who showed so much love and compassion as Leia did? Someone who stepped in and filled the void after Poe had lost his own mother when he was ten. Who would fill that void now? In that moment, Poe Dameron was like a lost child, someone who hadn't yet learned to process grief of this magnitude.

I wrapped my arms around Poe and pulled him in. He desperately grasped my shoulder blades and buried his face into my neck. Silent sobs wracked his body and it took everything in me to stay strong and not cry. I made soothing sounds and caressed his hair. He gripped me tighter as if at any moment, I would float off into space.

I peered over his shoulder to see Finn embracing Rose. Rose wept, her body cocooned into Finn's chest and Finn stroked his hair and he too would make soothing sounds and the occasional "it's okay...it's okay," but it was the glances he threw at me, the furrowed eyebrows and tight jaws that made me uneasy.

After some time, Poe pushed away. He gazed at me one more time, his eyes rimmed with red and his face blotchy. He nodded his thanks for allowing him to cry on his shoulder, but I also noted something along the lines of embarrassment in those eyes, perhaps for his outburst earlier.

Poe turned and walked back into the cockpit with dragging feet and I understood then that he wanted to be alone.

So did I.

I stole one more glance back at Finn. Why did he look at me like that? Like he just witnessed me do something horrendous and is conflicted as to whether he should say something.

I made my way back to the med bay and curled up on the cot, wrapping my arms tightly around my knees. I finally allowed myself to cry.

Leia was gone. I couldn't believe Leia was gone.

The tears stung as they streamed front the corner of my eye and into the sheets beneath me. The sobs wracked my body. I curled tighter into myself. Leia had become like a mother to me. Always guiding me with a warm smile, even if she was helping me through things she herself didn't fully understand. And it was because of her that we were able escape the First Order for so long.

I don't know how long I cried before the sobs died down. I laid there, thinking. About what we do next. Poe had been doing great as a leader, but Leia was integral in our efforts to rebuild the Resistance, convince people to join us, acquire new ships and supplies. She deserved better than being blown to stardust. A place to rest. A celebration of her life. Something.

Then my mind drifted to Ben. I was still upset with him, but he had warned me that the First Order was about to ambush us, but why couldn't he call off the attack? I pushed any thoughts and theories of that to the back of my mind. I had to know one thing.

I needed to know if Ben was alright.

Kylo Ren

My walk back to the throne room was a blur.

I know someone spoke to me at some point. Hux, I think. Yes, I could recognize the glee in that sniveling voice, even through the muffled fog, but I don't recall what he said. I could only see that terrible flash consume the CR90 Corvette. I could only feel my body quake under my desperate exertion to stop the cannon fire and I could only smell and taste the metallic tang of the blood that filled my mouth and nostrils from pushing my powers pass their limits.

I could only hear one voice cry out in agony. Ben. Then it was suddenly silenced.

The door shut behind me as I stumbled into the throne room, my legs like liquid and the room swimming in darkness. It was a long way down to the cold, hard floor. And I allowed myself to stay there on my hands and knees, trembling. I fought the sobs threatening to spill from me and swallowed that familiar tightness in my throat, like I had for many years, desperately twisting my face back into unreadable indifference, pushing anything back that made me look weak. If only they knew the torment that raged inside me.

I pushed up off the floor and retreated to my personal quarters, aware of the security holos Hux could pull up if he wanted to spy on me if I stayed in the throne room. I couldn't keep it in. Not this.

I never meant to hurt my mother. Never. Yet, I did. I broke her heart over and over and over again and I couldn't stop. I killed her, just like I killed my father and Luke.

I stood in my room. Alone. I was so alone. I had no one left. My family was gone and the only other person who I cared about couldn't even look at me.

My insides twisted and roiled. The room teetered as I took two steps forward and slammed my knees into the floor, the sharp, cracking pain of the collision doing nothing to numb the pain clenching my heart. I caved into myself, hissing in agony as the first stinging tears spilled down my cheeks.

The world around me shook and rumbled and clattered and rattled. The screeches and groans of twisting metal, crushed by a phantom hand, cut through the room. The popping and sizzling of sparks erupted from various control panels and a sharp, burning stench filled my nostrils and mouth. Several items were flung through the air, some crashing with loud thuds and others shattering into jagged fragments sprayed across the pristine shiny black floor.

The cacophony became deafening as I buried myself further and further into my grief, but it was the roaring inside me that drowned my senses, but never numbed the pain. I squeezed harder and harder, trying to will it all away, until I could squeeze no more and the only thing I could do was let go.

I gasped for air as I collapsed forward onto all fours, each sharp rattling breath stung. I retched something awful and foul and I gagged as the bile assaulted my tongue. I finally looked up when the last of my hacking coughs ceased.

All that remained of my quarters were a twisted, sparking heaps of metal.

I took several deep breaths, hoping for some sort of peace that would never come. Instead, that dead silence began to fill my ears and my skin began to prickle the way it used to when the Force would finally connect me to her.

Rey

At first I thought a dream was finally carrying me off from the nightmare that was my reality.

I felt the strange pulling in my gut, the cessation of sounds, and the sudden flutter in my heart. Even my eyelids drooped. But, this was different.

I hadn't truly felt the sensation of the bond clicking in place for so long. I had done all I could to block him out that anytime the bond began to activate that all those sensations I had felt before were now lost.

I laid there on my cot, letting the bond consume me, allowing the world around me to fade. It was the popping and hissing of compromises electrical circuits and wires that made me jump out of the pull of any residual stupor.

It was the sobs of a broken man that finally made me rise from my bed.

My breath hitched sharply in my throat at the destruction around me. I was in a First Order ship, in what was left of Ben's personal quarters, from what I could make out. I had noticed that as this bond had lingered with us longer, I was able to catch glimpses of his surroundings. I could only see Ben in those first visions we had of each other. I noticed I was able to control and block it, to a degree at least. But, that time, I wasn't in control of the bond, and neither was he.

I rose from the cot and scanned the room. It was as if a war had stormed through. Everything was twisted, shattered, and ripped, including the man who knelt with his back to me, shoulders hunched and shuttering with each convulsing sob. His cape was wrapped around him like a protective cocoon.

I swallowed. I had to say something, anything. Comfort him. Give him my sympathies. But the first words out of my mouth were anything but that, "you destroyed it all." I mumbled. I scanned the room looking for anything that was left intact, but other than the walls of the room still structurally sound, nothing that had occupied that room had been untouched by Ben's powers. When I found that nothing salvageable was left, my gaze returned to Ben. He remained unmoving, still kneeling. "Ben?" I took a couple steps forward, cautiously, like I was approaching a wounded animal.

Ben raised his head slowly, his body still trembling with his sorrow, and turned to look over his shoulder. I gasped at the pale, tear-stained face, the deep purple under his blood shot eyes, and disheveled, greasy hair that hadn't been groomed in who knew how long. But it was his expression, so lost and full of sadness and grief, those eyes full of stale tears, those full lips trembling in the agony of it all. My heart dropped further and further into my stomach. I couldn't take my eyes off of him, I was so stunned by what I saw.

That wasn't the same man I left in that room back on Crait. No, he was much worse.

I don't know what I expected him to do next. I had seen what his darkness had done to him, what years of manipulation at the hands of Snoke had done to him. Watched as it controlled him. Kept him buried in the deep abyss. I didn't expect him to fall into my arms and cry into my shoulder, but that way he had gazed at me with those sad, sorry eyes on Crait, I had at least expected some sense that he was relieved I had willingly let the bond connect us again. Instead, he looked at me with something bordering on disgust, "what do you expect from a monster?" His words were laced with tiny shreds of hurt, hate, and loathing and his face was schooled back into that flat, unreadable expression.

I shook my head, "Ben, I've..."

"You what!?" He snapped and rose from the floor aggressively and turned to me, fists clenched. Those eyes. So much pain in those eyes. "I have spent the last two years trying to get you to talk to me and you did what everyone else had done. You shut me out!" He was shouting. He had only shouted at me once before, in the throne room after I asked him not to go down a path I would never be able to follow.

Tears were threatening to spill down my face, but I clenched my fists, anger now roiling in my gut, "You hurt me, Ben. I wasn't just going to let you back in so easily." I said it as calmly as I could, but each word dripped with disdain. It was like an old wound that never healed was being cut open once more. He did hurt me. He hurt me in the worst way imaginable. "But I'm here now. I'm ready to talk, if you want."

He furrowed his eyebrows, hardening his features into that stubborn scowl, "You're too late," he said it quietly, as if the truth of it all hurt him as well, "you've tortured me for two years. Every day I hoped that you'd finally see things my way. That you'd understand. I offered you the galaxy, and what did you do? You refused me. Now you're nothing more to me than common Rebel garbage."

Those words. It was like I was being stabbed over and over with a rusty knife. This was not Ben Solo I was speaking to, but Supreme Leader Kylo Ren. The Darkness, the years of manipulation and internal torture. Where there had once been a small flicker of light, now there was nothing but a dark void.

Ben's face fell into that same lost expression he had every time he realized he did something wrong. He parted his lips to speak, but couldn't. I squeezed my fists tighter until my fingernails dug into the palms of my hands and clenched my jaw until I could hear my teeth popping in my ears. "I came here because I didn't think you should be alone in your grief. ("Rey," he muttered) I thought that you'd appreciate a shoulder to cry on, ("Rey") because I'm damn sure you aren't finding one with the First Order ("Rey."). I thought that we could put our differences aside for one moment," I paused, trying to swallow back the tears filling my eyes, "for your mother."

He opened his mouth again, to say my name, but stopped and stared at me. He tried to put that mask back on, not that dark metal one, but the flesh and blood mask he always wore, but his eyes always betrayed him. Lost. He was so lost in his grief. There were too many emotions in those eyes, but one that I could see deep in them was guilt.

He reached a hand out for me, "Rey, I..."

"Im going to go." I mumbled, "I should've known not to let you back in. I thought you would've changed by now." I closed my eyes, a silent tear gliding down my cheek, and I willed the bond closed.

"Rey," Ben said in a panic. He began rushing towards me in long strides, hand outstretched, "Rey, wai-"

The connection severed and all I was left staring at was a cold, metal wall. I could still feel him through the residual shreds of the connection, his sorrow, grief, his self-loathing and rage. I could hear the vibration of metal as he slammed his fists against both wall on the First Order ship, and I could feel him slamming against the shield on the bond I had put most of my energy in trying to keep up for two years. I didn't move as I placed my hand on the wall and I let myself cry.

Suddenly, the door slid open and Finn shot into the room, eyes wide. I jumped, pulling my hand away from the wall and turned to him as if I hadn't been doing anything. I hoped he didn't see. He stared at me, puzzled, "Were you talking to someone? I heard your voice."

I shook my head, wiping stray tears from my cheek.

Finn moved into the room and shut the door behind him, "what's wrong?"

I faked a smile, trying to push back the tears in a panic, "nothing. Just had a bad dream. Thinking of Leia." I said it too quickly. I could tell by the tense expression on Finn's face that he didn't believe me.

He moved to me and placed his hands firmly on my shoulders and stared deep in my eyes, "Rey, are you sure?"

I yanked myself away from him, "yes, I'm sure." I wanted to let him know how offended I was that he didn't believe me, even though I was, in part, lying. "Why else would I be crying?"

Finn stepped closer to me, his expression serious, "how did you know about the attack? Tell me the truth."

My breath caught in my throat and I stared back at him with hard eyes. Truth. What truth could I tell him? That I can see and speak to the monster who slashed his back open, his sworn enemy? I'm sure that would go over well. Finn studied me. I knew he was seeing the lies spinning behind my eyes. You lied to me once, Finn, I thought. You were afraid of what I would think if I knew you were merely a number, an expendable piece of flesh, in the First Order. Surely, you could understand why I kept this from you, at least until I was ready to admit it. "I don't know. I just...I sensed it. I don't know how to explain it. The Force."

Finn pressed his lips together and studied me. I could tell he didn't believe me. His twitching eyes gave it all away. But Finn only glanced down at the floor, then back at me and said "okay." He gave me a small smile, one that told me that he'd drop the issue, for now. But, also one that pushed back the obvious suspicion lingering behind those dark brown eyes.

Finn let my shoulders go, but stood there, shifting back and forth on his feet. "So, the reason I came here is because Rose and some of the others want to have a memorial for Leia. Poe has been..." he paused, tilting his head to the side and thinking for a moment before he continued, "pretty much inconsolable. We're hoping to do this soon. We were trying to figure out where to have her memorial, what planet would allow us to maybe even give her the proper sendoff. But, it had to be some place special."

I thought for a while. Leia was princess of Alderaan, but seeing as Alderaan was destroyed many years ago...

I tried to think where else. "Do you know where her parents were born?"

"Her father was born on Tatooine," Finn said, "mother on Naboo."

I furrowed my eyebrows. I hadn't been to either planet yet, "what are those planets like?"

"Well, Tatooine is a desert, complete with some of the most wanted criminals in the galaxy." I wrinkled my nose at the idea of giving Leia a burial on Tatooine, but then my heart twinged with a small pain when I thought about how my parents were buried in unmarked graves on Jakku, and my mind immediately went back to Ben and how he had used that, and my origins, to hurt me so I'd join him. "You okay?" Finn asked. I looked up, startled, wiping the memory from my face.

I nodded, "yeah, yeah, I'm fine. What's Naboo like?"

Finn's eyes brightened, "I've never been there, but from what I hear, it's one of the most beautiful places in the entire galaxy."

I smiled with a mix of excitement and sadness, "then, we will go there."

But, Finn shook his head, "we can't." My excitement faded. I tilted my head to the side in confusion. Finn swallowed, "Naboo is too close to First Order territory. Poe won't risk it."

My heart dropped, "she deserves the best." I protested, "we can...I don't know...keep it small. Avoid detection somehow? Anything. This has to be special."

Finn bit his lip, "There is one other place we can go that might do. I think it would hold more meaning than Naboo." I raised my eyebrows for Finn to continue. He swallowed, "Chandrila."

Chandrila. Leia had told me about Chandrila. How lovely it was. Rolling green hills, mild, rarely harsh weather, beautiful blue seas. An elegant capital city. Hanna City. Chandrila was the former capital of the New Republic.

It was also where Ben Solo was born.

I nodded, "yes, Chandrila will be perfect." I said quietly. I didn't know what Finn knew about Chandrila being Ben Solo's birthplace, but he said nothing about it.

"I'll let Poe know." He gave me one last look, one that was not only full of sadness, but concern, and walked out fo the room, closing the door behind him, leaving me alone in all my grief. My sadness. My anger.

Finn knew something was happening to me. He could see it, no matter how deep I tried to push it back, how I tried to conceal it. I tried to deny the change in me for so long that it was starting to cause an isolating rift between me and everybody else. I wish I knew what it was exactly. Why there were times I was irritable and reclusive. I hid it all the best I could, but I could feel it becoming worse, especially in the last few days.

I laid back on my cot and, as I drifted to sleep again, I pictured the person who was, in part, responsible for this change. I was still angry with Ben Solo, but I still wanted to help him, still wasn't ready to fully let him go and I was still willing to forgive.

Maybe I could still show him it still wasn't too late. That he still wasn't alone. That there was still good in him.

And he could still come back to the Light.

 **A/N: Hello all! So, I've been sick (and I'm still sick) and haven't been able to motivate myself or get comfortable enough to write (winter also plays a role in my comfort). I actually finished this yesterday, but I was having issues uploading. I am on AO3 now under SignaltheStars. I will continue uploading here. Thank you for reading! I don't think Ben and Rey's first Force Bond conversation after Crait will go all too well in IX, even though he is desperate to talk to her. I don't see them falling into each other's arms right away.**


	5. Message

Hello all,

I know I have been gone for a while and have left my small number of readers hanging on all three of my fics. For that, I'm sorry. There are a number of factors that have contributed to my long absence. The winter months are horrible for me between colds and issues with dry skin. I have to be comfortable when I write and winter just takes it all out of me. I was planning on picking up all of my stories in the spring. Well, spring ended up coming with the worst allergies I have had in a long time. I was just getting by on a daily basis with meds. My allergies are getting better, though now I have a cold, but now I have been ignoring these stories for another reason. Right now, there is so much hate in the Star Wars fandom. I don't actively engage the haters, but I see what is written and the amount of hate given to Reylos, Kathleen Kennedy, cast members (I am sad to see Kelly Marie Tran bullied off of IG), and just Star Wars in general. It had become exhausting and really toxic and hateful. For that reason, I am taking a break from the fandom, especially online. I will still go on Tumblr from time to time, but I will be absent for a while. I hope to pick up all three stories soon, but for now, I have to leave. Sorry if this causes any disappointment. I hope you can understand.

May The Force Be With You,

SignaltheStars


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